


Deserved

by Naranne



Category: Pokemon
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Suicide, attempted suicide, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-19
Updated: 2009-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naranne/pseuds/Naranne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The red of the blood taunted him, the same colour as roses—innumerable roses that he had gifted her with... oh, the irony, that it could represent both love and, at the same time, the white coldness of death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deserved

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for the fact that this fic deals with attempted suicide, so please consider yourself warned. I wrote this a few years back, and it is still likely the darkest/saddest thing I've written.

The first thing that registered in his mind was the blood. That the tiles were stained; stained a horrible, horrible red, and the bath water mixed with it in a vile concoction that was unhealthy and unclean, in a stark contrast to the paleness of her skin and the vibrant flame of life he had come to associate with her. It was red, and she was pale—so colourless, so pallid, so lifeless and white—and the blood was all _hers_ , and he could not understand what had happened, did not _want_ to understand it in that desparate moment He did not know how to react, even though he knew she was dying, slipping through his fingers, falling into the void, forever beyond his reach, and he knew he should do something— _anything—_ to save her, but he could not think of what, he could not think, did not know what to do, and the red of the blood taunted him, the same colour as roses—innumerable roses that he had gifted her with—and the bandana she had worn as a child, and now it was the colour of her life spilling out onto the tiled floor of _their_ bathroom, in _their_ house, her slipping away from him, slipping away from _their life_ together.

The next thing he noticed was the razor—one of his shaving razors, a gift from her; how ironic it was that it should be instrumental to ending her life—fallen from her limp grasp, and he could imagine how when she had been too weak to hold it anymore it would have tumbled to the floor, and the sound of metal ringing on tiles would have been an awful muted clanging that, had he been able to hear it, would have made the scene only that much more horrible. Then his eyes, as if of their own accord, followed the seemingly natural path, and he saw the cuts. Great big slashes, all across her wrists, and he felt helpless, so helpless, and he was taunted again by the blood and he _had to save her_ but he did not know how and she was _slipping away_.

And he screamed, the sound tearing from his throat and shaking in the silence of the bathroom, and he fell to his knees, helpless, and feeling as if she had left him already—he could tell she had gone, left him, left _them_ , what they had; in the end, had that not been enough to keep her there? He could not understand, he did not know what to do, how to save her but he _had to_ _save her_ , and then, the guttural screams ripping his throat up as they tore from his lips, causing him pain that he relished because it meant that he was being punished for letting this happen to her—then, he let his gaze rake unashamedly over her, over the paleness of her skin, and he noticed the flicker in her neck. The screams stopped, and the tears began, because there was _a pulse_ and he could _still save her_ and she was _still alive_. With trembling fingers he reached out, and he could barely see, because the tears blurred his eyes and what if he had merely imagined it? What if he was having delusions, blinded by pain and heartbreak and terror, and—

It was real. It was real—there was a _pulse_. She was _still alive—_ if only barely, because she might still be lost, his mind sneered at him, and he banished the thought because _there was hope_ and he _could still save her_ , and she was _not_ lost yet. For, with his shaking fingers, he had reached toward her, and though the blood was still there and it was still red and it was still taunting him, he had rested his fingers on her neck and felt the flutter of her skin, and even though it was faint and barely there, the fact remained that it _was_ there, and in that moment all that mattered was that _there was hope_. He blinked rapidly to clear the thick tears from his vivid green eyes, although it was to no avail, because his eyes filled again as soon as he cleared them, but they were tears of relief now, not of pain and heartbreak and absolute terror as he had seen the blood and realised that he might have _lost her_. With the fumbling, quaking fingers of his other hand, he dove into his pocket and pulled out his phone, and the emergency officers could almost not understand his pleas for help and if he could not _they_ , at least, _had to save her_ , because now he _had hope_ and he would be damned if he would let that hope die—she _would survive,_ because he loved her and she was his light and his everything, and even though when he ran his hand down her arm to clench her frail hand tightly within his own the blood— _her blood—_ ran onto his skin, he did not blanch at that reminder of how close she had been to _leaving him forever_ , because he knew that now he had resolved not to give up on her, she would not leave him—she could not—because he loved her and he _needed her to survive._

The voice on the other side of the telephone was a light, a becaon of hope in that red-stained, terror-filled darkness, and he clung to it desparately, because the nameless voice promised that they would be there soon, and they would _help him—_ help _her—_ they would _save her_ , and she would live, live to see another day and to live out their life together like he had always hoped they would— _together_. He hung up, amazed that they had been able to understand his frenetic pleas for help and for someone to _help him save her_ , and he pushed his phone back into his pocket, not caring that seconds later it fell out, barely noticing that the blood which stained the tiles was now staining _it_. He interlocked their fingers, forcing himself not to panic at how she did not respond and she was lying there _so lifeless_ , and he ran his other hand through the chocolate brown hair that he loved and it was still as soft as he remembered, except the blue eyes that were once so full of life and love and hope were closed and he could not see what emotion they held, if they held any at all. And he did not know how long he stayed like that before they came, her frail hand within his own, whispering promises to her that he _would not let her leave_ and they had _so much left_ to live, together, always together, and when they _did_ come he screamed as they tried to force him to leave the room, and eventually they gave in and let him stay because _she had almost left_ and now he _was not going to leave her_.

And he watched with worried eyes as they lifted her from the bath and he tried not to think about how her body was so limp and so frail and so lifeless and how she had deathly-pale skin, and he fretted as they wrapped her in white robes and carried her onto a stretcher and then into the ambulance and _he had to stay with her,_ they had to understand _he could not leave her_. And even though he did not understand why she could have done this, what he could have done—was it him? _What had he done?_ —he chose not to question it for now because it meant reliving the blood and the pain and the terror and the heartbreak and then the relief, and because they let him stay with her, and he was never going to leave her _ever again_ , and he would stay with her and protect her and he would never come this close to losing her _again_. The whole way to the hospital where they promised that she _would live_ _again_ , he stayed with her, beside her stretcher in the back of the ambulance, and they watched him, in their white coats with their sympathetic eyes and he wanted to scream at them that he did not _want_ their sympathy because he was not going to need it _because she would live_.

But when they arrived, he tugged at his chartreuse hair and it was not the flick of his younger days; that was reserved now only for _her_ because he knew it got a reaction out of her and if she did not live he did not know what _he would do—_ he tugged at the roots of his hair in frustration and he wanted to scream and weep and cry again because they were _taking her away from him_ , even though they promised that they had to take her away to save her. He swallowed thickly and allowed them to, because they had _promised_ and he trusted them, because they _were_ trustworthy and they had saved people's lives before, so they could save her and even though he had not been able to save her _they would be able to save her._

He watched them wheel her into the room, and the blood had been cleaned—that horrid, red, taunting blood that had been _spilling from her_ and _killing her—_ but she was still pale and lifeless and so close to death, but he would not let himself think that way because they would make it through this— _together_. They looked on him with concerned eyes, although there was a business-like determination to their expressions now, and they promised him that he could stay outside her room and they would call him the moment that her condition was stabilized and even though she had lost a lot of blood they promised him that _she would live_.

And he lay down on the couches outside her room, where inside they were breathing life into her again, and when he was able to see her she would be as he remembered, full of life and a love that was just for him and _she would survive—_ as he lay down, he let the tears run unashamedly down his cheeks and he did not bother to wipe them away. Eventually, eventually, sleep came and with it a blessed relief because it meant that there was no more reminders of blood and heartbreak and her still, lifeless form was no longer there _tormenting him_.

He was woken by a hand shaking his shoulder, shaking him awake, and for a moment he could not remember anything that had happened, and then he looked around and his surroundings registered in his clouded, sleep-fogged brain and everything came rushing back, and he gripped the arm of the person who had woken him as if it were the last thing holding him to this world. For a moment their face betrayed no emotion, and he wanted to scream and weep and demand that they let him sleep because he did not want to be awake if _she was gone_ , because if they were trying not to let him see what they felt that was what it meant—that they had _broken their promise_ and she was no longer there and she had _left him_ , left behind the promise of everything that _they were meant to be_. Then, slowly, as if enjoying having stretched the moment out, the face hovering above him broke into a smile and they nodded, and a fresh flood of tears broke loose because it meant that _she had lived_ and she was _still with him_ and they would continue to live out their lives _together_ , and he was so filled with relief that he felt he would burst.

He leaped from the couch where he lay and winced a little because he was sore and stiff from lying on an uncomfortable couch for so long but it did not matter because she _was there_ , and through the window he could see her, see her chest rise and fall and the machines monitoring her heartrate beeping steadily, assuring him that she lived and _she_ _had survived,_ and in that moment nothing else mattered except that he go to her side and be with her _._ The door swung upon on oiled hinges so easily at his lightest push, and they cleared out of the room respectfully, giving him peace to be with her, and even though she was not awake yet, she looked so much more _alive_ and as he pulled up a chair beside her bed he began to weep anew with relief.

He took her hand within his own and he wondered at the magic that they could work in this place, for her hand no longer seemed so frail, but like the hand he remembered, soft but strong and everything that was her, and he interwove their fingers together and laid his head beside hers on the bed, carressing the side of her face and her neck lightly with his fingers, ignoring the bandages wrapped around her wrists and all that they represented because _she was alive_ and he loved her and that was all that mattered. He whispered to her that he loved her, his voice thick with tears and cracking with overflowing emotion, and if he concentrated hard enough, he could have sworn that her fingers wrapped around his own, returning the gesture even subconciously, even though she might be awake then.

In that moment he forgot, forgot the red that had been her blood and before that his roses—oh, the irony, that it could represent both love and, at the same time, the white coldness of _death_ _—_ forgot that he had _nearly lost her_ , because nothing else mattered now that he was there and she was alive and he _knew_ she was alive because he could see it and feel it and the proof was irrefutable. And he knew, knew that he loved her and he would _never leave her again_ , because she had almost been taken from him, and even though it had been her that had set it all in motion and he did not understand how or why, he knew that _she was alive_ and she _must love him_ and whatever else was thrown at them they would get through, because they had gotten through this and they would get through anything else.

 _Together._


End file.
